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  • Writer's pictureAndi Kumer

Why I Believe My Marriage Can Work- Even Though I've Been Divorced (And So Were My Parents).

Sometimes, statistics are a sentiment not conducive to a healthy thought life. Especially in the context of second marriages.

The stats don’t look good for us second rounders, in fact, the last stat I saw had us in the 70-80% chance for divorce.

But guess what, I refuse to look at stats as a self-fulling oracle. It has nothing on me- except for giving me a healthy dose of reality, and guiding me to risk-assessing thoughts and behavior.

The beauty, in fact, of the trickle down effects of divorce for me, and maybe could be for you, is that it causes me to be more on guard, insightful, watchful of events and unhelpful milestones of the past that could create negative landmarks for my present or future. Especially those of the spiritually intrusive type. Satan just looovvess those generational battles, and loves to remind us of where and when we totally screwed up.

The wounds and mistakes of my past help me to stay on task with my mental health. I mustn’t be complacent when it comes to negative thought cycles, distorted belief systems, unhealthy behavioral patterns, etc.

Is it so wrong to have a healthy fear that keeps me on guard?

It certainly does keep me in therapy— for the good! It keeps me close to my prayer journal, and my shield up, and my cries for the Holy Spirit to stay near. It leads me to better communication with my spouse.

It is essential for me to stay on top of my mental health for the good of my relationship.

It was essential that I took a good, hard look with my therapist at my beliefs, faults, and areas where I hold reckless and wrongful self-contempt. It is essential I stay on top of my faith life- talking to God through my mean self-talk, and especially remembering His kindness that “leads me to repentance.”

The “Hound of Heaven” as the poet Francis Thompson entitled Him, keeps reminding me I AM HIS, and who is His, is who He holds a truly jealous love over.

It was and is essential that I receive God’s gift of forgiveness and mercy to pull out Satan’s arrows of shame and accusation. If I leave them in, I will not feel worthy enough to heal and move forward; I will not feel worthy of a healthy, good relationship.

I will receive the “self fulfilling prophecy” alongside the high stakes percentages that I am inevitably to wreck this marriage and live alone.

NO! I refuse to believe that- and have the audacity to believe that God will show me the right way.

My second marriage can work, even after my parents and my divorce- because I am more keenly aware of the obstacles, more aware of my need for Christ to fight with me, more aware I must stay on top of my mental well-being.

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