How Does Life Go On, When It Feels Like I Cannot Possibly Continue?

It feels like about each decade, I just think—"There’s no way life can continue after 'that' event happened."

After these last few years I really wondered if I’d ever find my footing again.

Each time I’ve gotten back up and kept on going, it was hard, but I’d look back and think, “Ok, I did that. I’m capable of some really hard things.”

After these last few years, I really couldn’t believe my life could go on, at least in any semblance of what I’ve ever known.

We got thoroughly crushed.

How do you unfold a completely obliterated tin can?

When you live through your “next life,” not in the reincarnation sort of way, but more like a cat having nine lives kind of way, or your Sim or Avatar having a new life kind of way, you get some clues as to how to do it again.

But this was like getting hit in the head with a fire extinguisher, and trying to get back up without being off balance, or getting back up at all.

Ever heard of being dissociated?

It has differing meanings, such as having a fragmented personality. But in my case, I mean the version where you dissociate out of what feels physical, and slip into a state of wondering if you are in some kind of movie. Or simulation.

It’s called derealization.

I couldn’t stop the feeling of not being in a real place and time. It’s a nervous system response to trauma. Sometimes people have actually been known to have out of body experiences. It is well researched.

In my case, I had the exact opposite. The intense realization that I am stuck inside my body and can’t get out.

I started to think this may be more of a gateway to understanding the spirit world than when life is grand and we are perfectly indwelling our flesh and bones, with no question.

Oh I can function fine, act normal at face value.

But I couldn’t shake the claustrophobic feeling of being stuck inside my body with the knowledge of existence being realized merely by my reflection, shadow, feelings, by seeing my hair and hands, etc.

I think, somehow, this phenomenon has given me a greater sense of the spirit within me.

My body will go on. My life will go on. Because I am actually spirit.

Strangely, the motivators that kept me going after the past traumas were not working this time.

I couldn’t shake the dissociation. And I couldn’t shake the thought that “I’ve seen it all now, and I’ve felt it all now, what’s left? How shall I proceed after this major event? Life is too different now, and my eyes and ears cannot unsee, unhear all of that, nor can my emotions ever forget that.”

But the spirit sees differently. Those old motivators: passion, fear, guilt, success, need to please, need for teachable moments, materialism—they aren’t working!

Panic?

No. This just tells me there’s more to the story. More than what literally meets the eye.

The dissociation sent me into a place where I needed to understand being “Led by the Spirit,” and walking from “faith to faith.” “Living by faith.” "Staying in step with the Spirit."

God will allow you to meet circumstances that will cause you to let go of the false string you think is tying you to real confidence, security, and hope.

“Put it down, it’s fraudulent.”

“Pick Me up instead,” He says.

So I say, “Lord, help me see in the spirit. I don't want to "see" anything I can't handle, but I am struggling to be motivated by the physical as I used to be.”

Do you know the Bible became so much more real to me? I understood the tenacity of the disciples better.

Worship became more necessary than ever. Things became more black and white.

We are not here dealing with actual physical issues, but those swayed by cosmic battles in the Heavens.

I know it sounds like I’m on something:)) I assure you that is not the case!

I’ve doubled down on my wonderings about the Heavens as they pertain to earthly things.

I care more about the children and the unborn now. Because I’ve seen and felt so much hurt, I have considered who deserves more and most protection on this cursed planet but the innocent little ones!

I wake up in the middle of the night completely enraged or deeply saddened about babies being ripped apart in the womb, and when I think of the abuse of children, I feel like a mama bear ready to attack. I pray agonizing prayers for the little ones across the world in such situations—“God PROTECT, SHIELD, STOP this from happening!”

Life goes on, and I suppose we are stronger after challenges. If we can find a way to recover and move forward.

Dissociation is tricky because it causes it to be harder to process your emotions and physical sensations.

Trauma has led my mind to making things almost simpler: “That is right; that is wrong,” not a whole lot to unravel.

That is evil; that is good.

That is Heavenly; that is hellacious!

What motivates us to go on—after “the event?”

I think it depends on the event.

If I lost a child to death, I’m honestly not sure I’d ever recover. God only knows.

Those who’ve lost children and get back up, even on the shakiest of legs,…I just believe it must come from somewhere very deep.

Life goes on, decade after decade, and it seems in efforts to keep living and being useful we must walk by the Spirit.

I’m not sure “meaning making” of the event is even enough anymore.

Developmental Scientist, Erik Erikson’s last developmental life task for humans was “Integrity vs. Stagnation,” in our later years of life. For the middle aged human, he said it was “Intimacy vs. Isolation.”

I am motivated by the intimacy I share with my favorite people. My husband; my children.

But to continue to have fidelity toward consistently caring about the every day tasks of life, and furthermore—to continue to be motivated to leave a legacy versus stagnate after life just strangled you, I can see as being difficult with lesser motivations.

I think Jesus sees right through the facade of lesser motivations. Therefore, He was seamlessly unphased by Satan's temptations after His 40 days of fasting.

The pain of the fast and what spiritual realities He experienced, helped Him to see things for what they really were--so He did not sell out to Satan.

His intentions were pure and He was Heaven sent, Heaven seeing and Heaven bound.

It seems to me, He rose above human inspirations, and saw beyond the world.

The disciples also began to see a glimpse, and died for it. Just as Jesus did.

Now, we cannot be—what’s the phrase? “So heavenly bound, we forget to have our feet on the ground…” or “no earthly good,” or something like that.

I 100% believe that!

But once I know too much about pain here on this planet, once I’ve seen too much, and my philosophies and balms aren’t working this time around, I better dig deeper and find out if my fundamentals are worth hanging my life on!

I still believe mine are.

I still believe in Jesus, His Father, and the One He sent in His place for those who believe-- the Holy Spirit.

When life feels like it cannot possibly go on, but still does—will our spirits show us the way?

I know the Holy Spirit will.