When We Feel Guilty For Being Concise.

A creeping, negative feeling came up in me this evening after speaking for a long time with my mother. It was the same feeling I get a lot after talking to her--one of guilt and possibly fraudulence. The questions that seemed to drag along with these feelings tonight were: "Was I being honest?" "Did I say too much?" "Was I too free with my words?"

I've experienced this concern enough that I thought it may be good to stop and finally analyze it- especially since it had finally made it's way past just being a physical feeling trapped in my body into one I was able to finally notice in my conscious mind.

It finally had a language I could interpret and understand, therefore consider malleably.

What had I been saying that was so honest, too much, or too freely expressed? I tell my mom some pretty honest things- real thoughts and concerns regarding politics, culture, faith, and personal concerns within healthy limits of our mother/daughter relationship. Mom and I don't speak about pie recipes. We speak about the bewilderments of life and the funny nuances along the way. We often don't agree on many things, and sometimes we really go at it quite freely during which time I find myself stating with much clarity of mind, my most honest opinions- and doing so in a more concise way than I'm used to doing with many others.

Here's what I gathered from my analysis: In a world where placating, accommodating, and validating are becoming a normal part of everyday conversation, I found that in telling Mom things that felt like my true, clear and concise opinions, I felt guilty!

Where so often I am caught in a space of trying to recognize what others may expect, need, feel, want, etc., I realized I was subjecting others to a less clear part of who I really am. A lot of this, I think, has to do with healthy attachments. Because Mom is a healthy attachment figure for me, I can express myself in such a way that almost seems like a rehearsal before I bring the information into the real world.

I can "try on" ideas with those who are truely healthy in my world, or especially those who have been consistent attachment figures in my life, all my life. I can express egregious ideas in a way that simply rolls off my tongue.

The concept we call "being off" or, in other words, not having to "be on" with certain people comes to mind.

In typical day to day life, the part of us that manages our practical needs out in the "real world" are constantly inputting and organizing information, and analyzing the best ways to respond to incoming data. We take in verbal or social information and typically respond in filtered or buffered ways in efforts to "get the job done" in socially acceptable ways.

Being "off" means we can turn off that filter, and "be ourselves." We are probably more in tune with our internal locus of control rather that our external--meaning, we are able to think more about what we think, need, feel and want (internal) rather than what we assume others do (external). So we respond with better clarity and conciseness. Because we aren't worried about all the other "noise!"

We get so used to answering to the external voices and it becomes so normalized for our system, we assume it is what is right. Then, theoretically, our more clear, "off" way of thinking--without all the buffers and static is enough to be stamped with guilt.

To feel guilt or stress over expressing your internal, more honest beliefs and ideologies is a concern, one which may have spawned out of attachment wounds, or developmental wounds of your past. It could also very well be the aformentioned tension of everyday people pleasing.

The important thing to do is to notice this phenomenon and analyze it within yourself. Is there something inherently wrong in your self expression? Or are you simply sharing your needs and opinions more clearly than usual because you are with someone you trust?

We often share our silliest, most embarrassing or vulnerable, fun, deep and philosophical thoughts with those we trust--and we can allow ourselves to try on ideas in a safe and controlled setting with those who will not just embrace them- but speak honestly about them with us in contructive ways. Once we've experienced our thoughts and feelings outwardly and, in a way, rehearsed them or took them for a test drive, we learn what areas of our own thoughts we truly believe or don't in real time. We organize them better by speaking them out and discussing them or teaching others about them.

Maybe there is a place in the "real world" for reframing our thoughts and being "on" around others, but there is certainly a place for speaking our minds with safe figures who will love us through our most clear, and truthful thoughts and ideas, debating and discussing them with us in loving ways while we are allowed to do the same.

And we must remember, with attachment theory, when we have those healthy attachments, they can help us feel brave and courageous enough to take our healthy behaviors, those we implement while we are with those figures, back out into the world.

Maybe your most concise and clear thoughts are worthwhile rather than worthy to be filled with double thinking and intrusive thoughts of guilt. To be celebrated rather than undermined.