Co-parenting Fatigue

50% of marriages that end in divorce, in the United States, involve minors of those couples.

With half the country's kids thrown into the 18 year cyle of "back and forths" between homes, inevitably, both children and parents will experience a myriad of emotional difficulties.

The Green Folder.

In my office, there lies a folder--Spring Green--to try to make it more palatable.

I hate that folder. Within it is the paperwork for my 15 year old daughter's co-parenting plan, signed by "the judge."

The original is nearly 13 years old. The second about half that old from the second round of negotiations.

Let me just say again: I HATE THAT GREEN FOLDER.

I had it hidden in a lock box most of its life, only unbanishing it upon requirement.

More recently, with all my trauma training, and personal counseling, I thought it best to air it out--let it be seen, as to not activate the fear, shame, guilt and greif it brings up in me all at once when it is opened. Rather, have it out, see the stupid thing--don't fear it.

The only way I was able to finally do this, (maybe?) was when I had my second child, a son, 15 years after my daughter was born (actually just 7 week ago). As though something cracked in my brain when he exploded into the world.

The folder, released from its dark and locked dungeon, now sits on my desk in a file folder--looming inside is all the dates agreed up within legal showdowns expressing where my daughter will be and when--with each parent.

Surprising to myself, I have only written about co-parenting once, maybe twice, in all these years, though I was divorced when Ada was just a tad over two years old.

So many reasons I avoid the subject--I must be feeling brave today.

Her dad and I, well, we both deeply love our daughter and show it in different ways.

We both want to protect our daughter and want to trust her--and show it in VASTLY different ways, making the co-parenting part of my life (I cannot speak for him) outright odious.

The grief cycle-- for all its known flaws--is very similar to co-parenting for me.

Sadness, anger, bargaining, denial, creeping their way in insidiously at times, and blasting through like a drive by at others.

The one thing all of these emotions have in common: they are NOT going anywhere.

They may lessen, but they will be an ever flowing stream of thereness until we have completed the mission, whatever that means. I guess I mean 18 years old. That golden number we 50% of divorced or remarried people with the co-parenting variable to our title. Let's not forget those who were never married too--there are stats for that, of course, as well.

So, the question looming: HOW? How do you get through all the years of this?

Is it different for men and women, different for various personalities, different for each individual? Probably--yes.

For me, it will forever be looked at as the most difficult and longest phase/season/chapter of my life. WHY?

Because most men and women don't set out to get married and have a child and then set out to get out of it. No, at least for me, I fell in love with her in milliseconds of delivering her.

Maybe sooner.

Isn't that how it's supposed to be?

So the shame and gaslighting of being told I should care less, "let go," not need the goodbye hug and endless other criticisms. The shame and twistedness of being told I'm a bad mom. A bad mom. The words just reverberate in my mind's ears.

I digress.

What I am getting at here--the original intention of this message, is a few thoughts on the fatigue:

In my opinion, don't count on the fatigue ever going away completely.

When they are little it is devastating to say goodbye to your child as they go "the other house" and the other mommy:(( When I am the OG.

When I don't want to share, didn't ask to share. Didn't get pregnant with her to share. Maybe that's why having my son recently has an effect on letting the Green Folder sit out; why I can write this.

The whole thing is terribly nuanced. So many, many layers.

I think the best thing that can be done is start by realizing the hurt will be there--forever.

FOREVER. But hopefully the edge will get taken off at 18?

The challenge is the territorial feelings. The hurts of saying goodbye. The hurts of when each parent tries to control the narrative of the other's intentions. Tries to control the story of the "why we're divorced," and other histories.

The firsts are insanely hard. No, when I say insane I mean it. It's enough to drive a mama (and a daddy) insane. The first plane ride, the first dental visit, the first beach trip, the first concert. And as I've said before, the stakes only get higher as the child ages. The first dance, the first time out of the country, getting to hear about their first kiss, who will be the first she tells about how he proposed, etc...

All the things you know are coming. I've talked about micro-grief. Little BB gun pains all throughout your kiddo's life, the pain of missed birthdays, missed firsts, the pain that the other parent and their spouse gets to have them for that day--that experience--and I missed it again!

Oh man. First peice of advice, quit holding your breath for the moment it's going to get better. You'll pass out, my friend.

Instead, surrender and forgive. Surrender and forgive.

And hold yourself accountable for what you are doing in the co-parent relationship that could be better too.

Get counseling from those who really know how to help hurting people--trauma trained, grief trained counselors and care/concern pastors and lay people like Gary and Carla Heese, who wrote the Oaks of Righteousness healing program, get their book "Beyond Counseling." Go visit someone who gets it. Find safe people to talk to, who will walk through it with you to the end. Recognize that they are human too, of course, and can get the same "fatigue" from your experience that you have.

I'm sure I've worn out my mom and sister's ears at times. Get professional help when you can. Lean on your spouse if you are remarried, but don't overpressure them to be your savior.

Countless times I have run to the real Savior and His Word. He's ultimately what got me through.

I'm going to be honest though, I'm on the count down to when my daughter turns 18. Three more years...three more years--the mantra in my head. My husband is quick to say, "Don't say that--let God do what He needs to do in all of you through this time."

Oh the vice is not only an incredibly tight squeeze, but it feels like sand paper, friends.

Patience and the knowledge that God is working. He is Romans 8:28ing the stuff out of this--I know it. He is working all things out for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

My husband has been paramount in helping me surrender to Jesus.

"Ooohh, maybe he's (my co-parent) thinking this or that/that's why he's doing this or that."

"That's none of our business," my sweet Kyle will say.

In his wisdom, we don't try to understand or counter what the other is doing. We don't speculate. Why do such a thing when it's not in our control.

We obey God; we do what He is asking of us. We speak LIFE and not death, as scripture tells us. We are there speaking the truth in love, as often as possible, with our child, while not dismantling their beliefs and/or relationship with their other parent.

I CANNOT tell you what an utter failure I have been in this. I do not always follow my husband's advice. Again, it's all so very nuanced! I say that more out of confusion than justification.

And the count down till "the end" may have some merit, but if I can focus on what God is doing in me, in her, in all of us, somehow--if I can forgive and surrender, forgive and surrender when each bullet ball hits (or much larger bullet--I do not know bullet names:))--though I FEEL destroyed, I know, that I know, that I know, somehow God is at work.

Yes, there will be ugly cries, and punching bag episodes, probably forever (or until 18?).

There will also be comforts, celebrations, super fans, and rally cries.

You will go to your corner of the boxing ring--wash your face, get your pep talks, and face the next round. You will be mad at the round. You will cry in the shower sometimes nightly, you will scream out to God. You will beg, you will hug and hold the one who you love most--and you will JUST DO IT (not a Nike steal) the next day.

You will go through agonizing hurt--you will not think you can possibly do it again for the next holiday, or month where the other parent has 3 weekends in a row somehow, or the time you planned something then realized very last minute you misread the parenting plan schedule and now your deeply disappointed and you've managed to disappoint her too, again.

Write about it--like I'm doing. It feels good to stretch out your mind and emotions and talk about it. Put your parenting plan out on the desk--don't give it so much power to activate trauma and stress, and SHAME.

I have no silver bullet or silver lining. Nope. You are fatigued, but you will see another day and you will get through it. It will hurt, but with the help of God and your friends--you can do it.

Look, I'm still here. Still alive. Beaten and broken, but here.

I'm not sure that whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger. All I know is (sorry for the tv show reference) "Life goes on." It really does. Just when you think you cannot get back up this time, you can and you will. For starters, you have to.

I really believe God is walking with me in this co-parenting thing. Not because I'm doing such a saintly job either--HA! Far from it. But because He said He will never forsake me!

I believe He's knocking on your door too--please surrender to Him--cast your cares on Him, every second. "Because He cares for you." I know it feels so good to speculate about the other parent's world. Maybe even to gossip or say all the wrong things about them to your child. I promise you that is a temporary high. Like, zero seconds high.

Instead, the second you feel lost, confused, sad and angry--start giving it to God.